just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
