How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
