i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
