Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
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