1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
