you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
