It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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