if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
