so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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