I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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