I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
