The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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