just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
