Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
