oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
