I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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