it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
