what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
