I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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