we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
