I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
