In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
