First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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