oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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