The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
