I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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