she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
