i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
