hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
