Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
