the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
