I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you never un-have a 4some
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
