she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
