I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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