i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
