Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
