you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
