I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
