that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
