sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
