Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
