using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
