i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
