Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
