She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
