Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
