No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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