well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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