Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
