Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
