seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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