can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
